This Your Planet, Is It?...

  • “Morning sir, or madam, or neuter," the thing said. "This your planet, is it?"
  • "Well, er. I suppose so," Newt said.
  • "Had it long, have we sir?"
  • "Not personally. I mean, as a species, about half a million years. I think."
  • The alien exchanged glances with its colleague.
  • "Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we sir," it said. "Been letting ourselves go a bit with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?"
  • "I'm sorry?"
  • "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, but your polar ice caps are below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir."
  • "Oh, dear," said Newt.
  • "We'll overlook it on this occasion, sir."
  • The smaller alien walked past the car. "CO2 level up nought point five percent," it rasped, giving him a meaningful look. "You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?”
  • - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (Good Omens)